You can imagine that a lot of lovely people are asking me “how are you? Are you ok?” and of course it’s wonderful that folk are asking but it makes me think each time. Am I ok? What is ok? Should I be this thing called “ok”? Is it, in fact, ok if I am “ok”?

So, I think, yes, I am OK. I am happy at times, sad at times, variously in love/cross/delighted with TheBoy; he’s ok with this, it’s normal for his mum to be both snuggly and grouchy in well, let’s say, not-quite-equal measure; snuggly wins, most days. Truth be known, it feels wrong to feel so ok…(and yes I know I might have a ‘re-lapse’…)

Routine helps; I’ve chattered on about this before, it’s the little things that you just have to do, because you did them yesterday and the day before and the day before that, that keep you going sometimes. These things are a no-brainer; feed the cats (they’re asking so you have to), make a brew (it’s what you’ve done first thing every morning since about 1990), get TheBoy to school (it’s frowned on to allow your children to abscond and, let’s face it, who needs them underfoot 7 days a week?!), go to work (all the tea you can drink and friends to keep you sane), collect TheBoy (it’s not a boarding school), feed cats, TheBoy and self, TV, sleep until 7.05am. Repeat. Routine helps.

Right, so here is something else I want to share. It’s about depression. I’ve managed depression for a few years now; the stigma surrounding depression is being gradually eroded and I’m glad for it… we need to talk about it. A doctor told me once that it’s like having diabetes and needing insulin; you have a chemical imbalance in your body and the drugs help make it right; that helped me a lot to get my head around what was going on when this weird out-of-control feeling got a hold. I know now what makes me low, what it feels like when I’m heading down there and how to pick myself up; invaluable.

Depression is very selfish; I know that – unfought – it would keep me in bed, dozing and feeling dozier for it; keep me home during the day in an air-less lonely house; keep me from meeting people, travelling, getting on with my life. I would feel as though I were indulging myself by staying in this bubble; allowing myself permission to hand out excuses for not doing all the things I really want to do if only I could just grab life and shake off the depression.

Grief is exhausting and I don’t mind admitting that the last few weeks have taken their toll; sure I feel ok now, but there were a lot of days when all I wanted to do was give in to the tiredness, stay in bed and generally idle around the house. And yes, I’ve had days where I’ve not left the house. They are few and far between and by mid afternoon I crave fresh air and exercise. The stay-at-home day begins as an indulgence and ends up a trap.

Busy. That’s what has kept me in one piece, both now and on and off since the depression first arrived. Busy sticking to my no-brainer routine and busy filling the gaps by making things tidier, prettier, cleaner, more efficient. I love that the busyness leaves me with more energy than when I started my tasks and I love that I’m wupping depression’s backside each time I get something done.

So in summary; I’m leaning on my routine like it’s a crutch and I’m keeping busy to ward off the gloom. Every now and again I look up and wonder what happened; how did we get here and where did the last few weeks go; is it real? The answer might hit me like a sledgehammer one day; until it does you’ll find me on my little treadmill, doing OK.

Happily, in contrast, words can also be incredibly healing and powerful things. Just a few of them strung together in the right order can brighten your day, keep you going, make sense of chaos and give you hope. And let me tell you something, if any of your friends are having a bad day / crisis please don’t underestimate the value of a few words; don’t think “a text won’t cut it just now, I’ll wait until I can phone / visit / write”. Send a text, send one every day.

Does it help? Yes. I felt, from the day Jon went into hospital and over the course of the days that followed, as though everyone I know* came and stood around me shoulder to shoulder, gradually forming a circle and keeping me right in the centre; protected, comforted, safe. I’m still in that warm bubble and I can’t begin to describe how much this means to me, how much it’s helped and will continue to help. Thank you ♥

*and some I don’t. So many of my lovely customers sent kind words too…

Over the weekend just gone I was at ma & pa’s and listened to this a lot with TheBoy. He loves it and, finding the lyrics online and singing together, I’ve come to love it more than I did before; all these words are from me to my little boy, can you hear me singing it to him on a cold December day?

I’m gonna pick up the pieces
And build a lego house
If things go wrong we can knock it down

And three words have two meanings
there’s one thing on my mind
It’s all for you

And it’s dark in a cold December
but i’ve got you to keep me warm
If you’re broken I will mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm
that’s raging on now

I’m out of touch, I’m out of love
I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down
And out of all these things i’ve done
I think I love you better now

I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind
I’ll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things i’ve done
I think I love you better now… now

I’m gonna paint you by numbers and colour you in
if things go right we could frame it and put you on a wall
And it’s so hard to say it but i’ve been here before
now i’ll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours

I’m out of touch, I’m out of love
I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down
And out of all these things i’ve done
I think I love you better now

don’t hold me down
i think my braces are breaking
and it’s more than i can take

And it’s dark in the cold December
but i’ve got you to keep me warm
If you’re broken I will mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm
that’s raging on now

I’m out of touch, I’m out of love
I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down
And out of all these things i’ve done
I will love you better now

Just now though me and TheBoy are thinking about Christmas; The List for Santa is being tweaked every day; the Christmas cards are starting to outnumber the comforting sympathy cards arriving in the post and we’ll be putting the tree up any day now. So we have some brighter days to enjoy now, whatever shade of reality catches up with us in the darkness of January & February…

And I’ve decided to put Brownberry Yarns back online this weekend… I’ll see how it goes and I know you’ll all bear with me ♥

Sarah x

I was completely overwhelmed by the number of people who came to the crematorium; it was awesome – in the true sense of the word – to see how well loved he was. I spoke at the service; everyone said I was brave but I didn’t feel it… I just knew with all my heart that I couldn’t let the day pass without saying a few words about my hubby. We had our moments, don’t we all, but I sure as hell loved the stubborn sod.

The wake was… good… Jon always said he wanted us to have a party if it ever came to it, and I think we did him proud . I really was awed by the turnout by Jon’s colleagues, past and present, and the wonderful things they had to say about him… Everyone has promised to share their stories of Jon with Ol and I so that we can read them together over the years, and hopefully we’ll keep in touch too with many of the folk we met today.

Thank you so much to everyone who came today, thank you for all the hugs and cards and messages and promises of ongoing support, it means a huge amount, more than you can imagine. Thank you ♥

Sarah xxx

Jon died in the early hours of this morning. It was peaceful and we were all there with him.

We’ll miss him very much, he was very, very loved.

I think we’ll have some quiet time now, but I know you’re all still surrounding me and Ol with love and hugs and prayers and I’ll hold that close over the next few days and weeks. Of course once we’ve made arrangements for Jon’s funeral we’ll let everyone know.

Sarah xxx

I’m still bearing up, more or less, for now; TheBoy is amazingly resilient but starting to wonder why he can’t visit his dad; Ma & Pa are here with me again for a few days; friends and family are a constant balm – stay with me…

Sarah x

I know you are all out there surrounding me with love and hugs and prayers. I do still need them and am gratefully accepting all you can send this way…

Sarah x

I’m starting to flag a little and need some sleep; not Superwoman after all it seems.

Night all zzz
Sarah x

My very kind friend Tina, who is also a surgeon and GP, came along to the hospital with me and asked Jon’s nurses lots of questions and then translated for Jon’s parents and I. Some of the more negative things I heard yesterday were put to rest and I’m feeling a bit lighter in my heart now so a huge thank you to Tina ♥

Jon has got (who knew?) high blood pressure which keeps going up each time the sedatives are stopped so it’s a case of balancing the medicine for high blood pressure with the decrease in sedatives (I think). The tremors / seizures haven’t stopped yet but we’ll get some test results back tomorrow; it’s possible they are a reaction to the sedative rather than epileptic but we have to wait and see.

Otherwise, aside from the tubes & drains & monitors, Jon is looking much healthier than he has done for years; with all the vitamins, regular food, no drinking or smoking, a haircut & shave and a strict skin care regime in place he won’t recognise himself when he comes round…!

Thank you for being here…

Sarah x

So, me n TheBoy are back to work and school tomorrow for a bit of normality, with me on standby to dash to Preston if Jon starts coming round, and we’ll take the rest of the week as it comes. Ma n Pa have gone home for a few days and will be back again on Friday – it’s been pretty amazing having them here (I love you both heaps ♥) but TheBoy & I need to have a go at being here on our own and seeing how we get on…

Sarah x